


Pas(sade) de Cheval

by OnceYoungHearts



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe, Horseback Riding, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2020-09-24 05:47:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20353375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceYoungHearts/pseuds/OnceYoungHearts
Summary: Ryan has been training his whole life to go to the Olympics, and he'll be damned if the kid with way too much energy and a horse to match takes that away from him.





	1. Halt. Salute.

Ryan was staring out of the window of the trailer at the trees blurring by. He knew these roads well, and estimated they were only a few minutes away from their destination. Spencer was driving, as was their usual routine. Spencer enjoyed driving, but that wasn't the only reason. Ryan would drive cars if the need arose, but large vehicles like the massive trailer their barn owned gave him an inexplicable sense of anxiety. Spencer claimed he felt powerful behind the wheel, since he could "just run over all the puny cars if they got in my way", accompanied by an evil laugh. Ryan felt like it was too much power, and couldn't bear it for longer than the two minutes it took to maneuver from the farm house to the barn on his own property. Whenever they went for long trips, the driving was all up to Spencer. 

Ryan was snapped out of his mindless staring at trees by a hand shaking his shoulder. He pulled out one headphone and turned to see one of his slaves, rather, working students, patiently waiting to tell him something. Zack was a hard worker, and had been working for him for two summers, so he knew how to take care of all the horses, but Ryan had never really gotten along with the guy. 

"Hey, sorry, what's up?" Ryan asked as Zack just kind of stood there in the aisle, rocking slightly with the bumps in the road. 

"Nothing serious, Bay's just going a little stir crazy and I was wondering if we should stop and take them out." 

"Naw, we're only..." 

"Ten minutes." Spencer supplied. 

"... away. They'll be fine." Ryan finished. "You can give him a salt lick if you think it will help."

Zack nodded and made his way back through the trailer to the horse compartments, holding the walls to keep from falling over. Ryan could just catch a glimpse of the two horses and their other employee Shane, before Zack closed the door behind him. 

Ryan went to put his headphone back in, but Spencer started talking before he'd managed to do it. "You look nervous."

Ryan sighed and started putting his phone away, knowing this conversation couldn't be avoided any longer. "No, I don't."

Spencer smirked without taking his eyes off the road. "Okay, you don't, but I can still tell that you are." 

Ryan hummed noncommittally. He found it really annoying that Spencer could read him that well.

"There's nothing wrong with being nervous." Spencer continued his supposed-to-be-inspirational speech.

"I know that. This is a big deal." Ryan answered shortly, really not wanting to encourage any more dialog than was strictly necessary. 

"So you saw the last minute entry?" Spencer asked tentatively. 

Ryan's jaw clenched of its own volition, and he had to wait until he'd composed himself to respond. "Yes. It doesn't change anything though." His voice sounded weak even to his own ears. 

"Yeah, sure he doesn't." Spencer replied, his voice dripping in sarcasm. 

Ryan studied Spencer's calm face out of the corner of his eye and tried his best not to snap at him. He failed. "He doesn't. Change. Anything." Ryan ground out, each word becoming its own sentence. "I don't give a flying fuck how great his horse is; he still can't beat me. Betty and I are the best we've ever been, and I am not nervous." His voice had raised to an average speaking volume, which for him was as good as screaming. 

Spencer's reaction was unsatisfactory, since he didn't looked shocked or immediately start apologizing. Instead he nodded his head in the direction of the windshield and calmly stated, "We're here."

Ryan turned his body back around in the seat to see the Bromont Farms sign. He didn't realize until then that he'd almost stood up during his heated rant to Spencer. He took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down.

His eyes were drawn to the warm up rings where multiple riders were already on their horses, exercising them and getting them used to the new environment. The first stage of the event wasn't until tomorrow, but Ryan felt it important to get out there today and have people see him. Of course he was already known to be a top contender, but showing off and intimidating the competition never hurt anyone. 

He caught a flash of a chestnut horse and the very familiar posture of the rider before he tore his eyes away and decided that was a problem for another time. 

Spencer parked the trailer in a spot that they were definitely not supposed to stop in, while Zack and Shane bounded off to sign them in and get their numbers. 

Ryan tapped his fingers impatiently against the dashboard as he waited, the anticipation of freedom from the confines of the vehicle becoming too much to bear. "I'm going to wander around. Get them to call me when the Bs are settled?" Spencer looked at him suspiciously before nodding. 

Ryan jumped down from the door of the trailer, his boots kicking up a cloud of dust as he landed. He followed the familiar path from the administration building to where the practice rings were. He passed a few people he recognized on horseback going in the opposite direction, and he smiled and nodded when they greeted him. Luckily no one tried to engage him in conversation, and before he'd fully had time to think about his actions, he was sitting down on the bleachers facing the ring. 

There were a few coaches and barn hands watching the riders, but he sat on the very end, away from everyone else. After a cursory glance of the other horses, he guiltily found himself studying the movements of the chestnut thoroughbred. She seemed to have a lot of energy, but the rider controlled it well. The rider had a grin on his face that Ryan could spot from across the ring as he slowed her down from a hand gallop. He looked like he was having the time of his life, and Ryan caught himself smiling as he watched. He'd barely managed to school his face back into indifference when the rider finally caught sight of him and waved. Ryan's stomach clenched, and he hesitated a moment before descending the bleachers. 

Brendon had ridden over to where he was standing, and swiftly dismounted the horse. His smile looked genuine as he greeted Ryan, "Hey."

"Hey." His mind quickly ran through, and then tripped over all the various things he could say. Things he wanted to say. Long time, no see. You look good. You look really good. Instead he went with, "I heard you got a new horse. She looks great. I was sorry to hear about Sandy."

Brendon's smile dropped away as he dug the toe of his boot absentmindedly into the dirt. "Yeah. Thanks. Sandy is happy, retired and giving little kids pony rides. You know how it is."

Ryan nodded. He had lost more than one horse to injury over the years, and while none of them had needed to be put down, it still felt like a loss when they couldn't show anymore.

"How's Spencer doing?" Brendon asked, breaking the lingering awkwardness. "Is he here?"

"Yeah, he's with Zack and Shane getting the horses settled." Ryan glanced around and noticed for the first time that it was almost sunset. "I guess I'll be going for a late night ride by the time they've calmed down and had dinner."

Brendon paused for a moment before replying, and Ryan couldn't immediately figure out why. "I'll have to get Brandy to the stables for dinner too, but I'd be game for an evening hack." 

Ryan suddenly realized that it had sounded like an invitation where he had decidedly not intended it to be. No excuses came to mind, so he figured there was no taking it back now. "Oh, yeah? That'd be great." He gestured to the almost empty ring. "I'm going to watch the riders for a little longer."

Brendon smirked slightly in a way Ryan couldn't guess the meaning of. He realized how much time had truly passed, since he couldn't read Brendon's emotions like he once would have. "See ya." Brendon used the bottom bleacher as a step to get back on his horse, and walked her back to the barn. 

Ryan watched him go for longer than he'd have liked to admit, until Brendon finally disappeared out of view. When he turned back around, he almost screamed as Spencer was standing right in front of him with a knowing look on his face. "Jesus Spencer! Make some noise when you appear out of thin air next time." 

"I walked up normally, you were just too zoned out staring at Brendon to hear it."

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Don't even think about starting with that."

Spencer looked beyond unconvinced, but didn't say anything more about it. "The Bs are settled if you wanted to take them out now." 

"And you couldn't have just texted me that?"

"Of course I could have, but where's the fun in that? You know giving you heart attacks is my favourite pastime." 

"So uhh," Ryan started as they walked along the road. "Brendon's going to come back out for a hack later, if you wanted to join us." He tried really hard to keep the pleading tone out of his voice, but Spencer's response let him know he'd failed.

"No thanks." Spencer yawned exaggeratedly and stretched his arms over his head. "I think I'll hit the hay early. I'm just so tired from all that driving." 

Ryan sighed. He didn't want to admit that he was trying to not be alone with Brendon, but he was pretty sure Spencer already knew that. "How unfortunate. Rest will do you good." Ryan deadpanned as they reached the barn their horses had been assigned to stay in. The farm was huge, and there were at least three barns that the show horses could be assigned to. Spencer lead him down the aisle and stopped in front of the stalls with their names on the temporary plastic plaques that had been hung on each. 

Ryan was somehow not surprised when Brendon popped his head out of the stall across from his. That was just how the universe liked to treat Ryan. "Hey! What are the odds we'd be so close together?" Brendon asked.

"Astronomical." Ryan returned, making his mouth turn up at the corners and hoping it looked like a smile.


	2. Shoulder In

Ryan took the brush from Shane and ran it along Betty's neck. She was admittedly covered in shavings from rolling in her stall, but he wasn't making much progress as he brushed the same small spot over and over. He tried to focus on the simple task before him and not Brendon's voice coming from across the aisle where he was talking to someone. 

"I'm going to set up the tent and try to find the barbecue in the truck." There was a pause while whoever he was talking to must have nodded. Ryan rolled his eyes at the idea of Brendon sleeping in a tent. He could just imagine his eyes lighting up with child-like excitement as he convinced whoever was with him that it'd be so much more fun than a trailer. "Are you coming with, or did you want to... stay here?" Brendon's voice had taken on this weird tone, full of meaning. Ryan had no idea what that meaning was without being able to see his face, and he tried to lean a little closer to the aisle. 

From where they were standing, he could only see the back of the other guy's head, so nothing was clarified. "Ohh, uhh, later, yeah, I'll catch up with you." The guy answered in a rush. He grabbed Brendon by the shoulders and gently pushed him in the direction of the door. 

Brendon laughed and called over his shoulder, "I'll see you in a bit, Ryan." Ryan grunted in response, moving back into the stall before anyone realized he'd been eavesdropping.

Once he was actually focused on getting the horse ready, he managed to finish getting the tack on and was looking for his helmet when he noticed the guy Brendon had been talking to was chatting with Spencer. 

Spencer was standing in the aisle with his horse Bay tacked up and ready to go. He seemed to be studying the guy with intrigue. "Just ask the question you want to ask, Jon." Spencer was saying with no small amount of sass. 

"You named your horse Baymax? Like from Big Hero 6?" Jon asked. He didn't say it in the mocking way that it was usually posed to Spencer, and Ryan appreciated that. He seemed genuinely curious. Spencer nodded, a small smile forming on his face. "But your horse is black."

Spencer nodded again, fairly used to this comment and also the reply he tended to give. "Oh my god Jon, you can't just ask someone why their horse isn't white!" Spencer joked in his best impression voice.

Ryan braced himself for the reaction. Not everyone appreciated Spencer's sense of humour as much as Spencer himself did.

Jon slapped a hand over his mouth to muffle the laughter he couldn't control. "Why do I feel like you did that purely to make that joke?" Jon asked incredulously.

Ryan relaxed and made to leave the barn, knowing Spencer would follow when he was finished his conversation. Ryan just barely caught Spencer's wink and response of, "Because you're a very clever man."

\---------

Ryan had been, admittedly, showing off for about an hour by the time Brendon showed up. A small group of people had gathered on the bleachers to watch him as he took Betty around the ring, lengthening her trot until it became extended and her legs flicked out in a way anyone with a knowledge of horses would drool over. Betty liked to show off when there was a crowd watching, and Ryan appreciated that about her. 

Spencer was lazily walking Bay around the outside track of the ring, partially watching Ryan do pirouettes and other dressage moves that would be on his test tomorrow, and partially waiting until he got to where Jon was standing so he could talk to him again.

Brendon stopped his horse, Brandy Ryan was pretty sure he'd called her, and was watching Ryan with a small smile on his face. Once Ryan realized Brendon had been doing this, he felt a little embarrassed about showing off. He dropped Betty down to a walk and rode over to where Brendon was waiting. 

Shane and Zack were prepared, and had Ryan's favourite saddle waiting to be switched out. It was nowhere near being in condition to show in, but it was the most comfortable one he had, so he liked to use it whenever possible. He slid to the ground and studied Brendon as the guys switched Betty's tack from the dressage stuff to something more suited to a casual hack. Brendon had switched into jeans from the riding pants he'd had on earlier, and Ryan couldn't decide which looked better on him. 

"Hey." Brendon greeted him. Ryan nodded in response, noting how hard it seemed to be to tear his eyes away from Brendon's. Spencer had dismounted Bay and handed the reins to Shane. He and Jon walked past Ryan and Brendon, deep in conversation, and neither spared a glance or said goodbye. 

Once Shane and Zack had started the trek back to the barn, shuffling along with the tack Ryan didn't need anymore, Ryan vaulted back onto Betty and tipped his head to Brendon. "Shall we?"

Brendon grinned and nodded, their horses falling into step next to each other as they headed for the back of the property where there were lots of well lit paths through the forest. Brendon's horse was about a hand shorter than his, and since Ryan was also taller than Brendon, he had to duck under far more tree branches. 

They had been walking for a few minutes in silence when Brendon finally spoke. "It's been really good to see you again," he started hesitantly. "Since I moved barns and everything happened, I kept putting off reaching out to you, and then as more time passed, it just seemed too late."

Ryan looked at him in shock and confusion. He'd thought of messaging Brendon a million times, but didn't think he would answer. "It wouldn't have been too late." Was all he could come up with to say.

Brendon gave him the smallest smile, his eyes not leaving the trail ahead of them. Ryan was studying the side of Brendon's face, so he didn't see up ahead where a tree had fallen over the path. Brendon turned to grin at him before shifting his hips and getting Brandy to canter, his horse excitedly clearing the obstacle with a much bigger jump than was required. 

Ryan had been analyzing the way Brendon's horse moved, and had failed to give any cues to Betty. She slowly walked up to the tree and stepped over it, one leg at a time. When he caught up to where Brendon had stopped, he noticed Brendon was doubled over in laughter, his whole body resting on his horse's neck. Ryan waited for him to finish catching his breath before giving him a well-rehearsed death glare. 

"There was nothing funny about that, I'll have you know." Ryan declared in a petulant tone. "Betty does not need to be frivolously jumping the night before her dressage test." He crossed his arms over his chest for a moment before deciding that felt too much like he was pouting and returned to sitting normally instead. 

Brendon chuckled before seeing that Ryan was being serious, his laughter dying off abruptly. "Oh, uh, yeah. I guess it's not worth the risk." He said, voice full of uncertainty. 

Ryan saw Brendon's discomfort and wanted to change the subject. His stomach was already filling with nerves for the next day and it was putting him on edge. "Brandy's gorgeous by the way." He said as they resumed walking. "She seems like a handful though."

Brendon seemed full of pride as he jumped onto the new topic gladly. "She's amazing. I've never clicked so quickly with a horse. You know? The first time I sat on her it just felt right. Yeah, she has endless supplies of energy, and tends to over-jump, and may have attempted to buck me off once or twice, but that just keeps things interesting!"

Ryan only half listened as Brendon gushed about his new horse. His mind was running over the steps for his dressage test, and all the things he had to do between then and now. Once his mind had been reminded of its anxieties, and that Brendon was merely a distraction from the goal ahead of him, he found himself giving mumbles of agreement rather than actually contributing to the conversation. He felt his emotions start to switch off as the nerves set in. His breathing increased its pace, and his vision seemed to narrow. 

"I'm uh-" He was pretty sure he cut Brendon off in the middle of a sentence, but he had to get back to his trailer before the panic attack reached its peak. He could see his whole life falling to pieces before his eyes, all from one small mistake, and it was too much. All of this was too much. "I have to get back." He was surprised how calm his voice sounded. 

"Okay. Sure." Brendon turned Brandy around and started heading back. "I invited some people to my tent to hang out and drink, if you wanted to join?" 

Ryan could barely hear past the blood rushing in his ears. "I have to get to bed." The slow, meandering pace they'd been moving at was no longer sufficient. Ryan's chest felt tight, and it was getting worse by the second. "Now." Was all he managed to say before raising himself just above the saddle and urging Betty to go as quickly as she could manage on the winding path. He was able to spot the fallen tree from farther away this time, and pick a path around it so Betty still wouldn't have to jump. 

As he cleared the tree line and Betty went flat out across the open field, he finally caught his breath, and his head stopped spinning. The feeling of flying over the grass, and the rhythm of hoof beats being the only sound competing with the rush of the wind, felt like freedom. This was his happy place. 

He wiped the tears from his cheeks, not sure if the wind had caused them or not. He was damp with sweat, and the cool night air rushing past him felt freezing on his skin. He forced Betty to slow down, after his subtle cues to do so had gone ignored. He didn't know where that panic attack had come from, or where it had gone, but his mind was finally calm enough to worry about what Brendon now thought of him, and that thought was almost as terrifying.


	3. Collected Trot

Ryan was laying in his bunk on the trailer, getting more angry by the moment. They weren't parked anywhere near Brendon's tent; in fact, they were about as far away as possible, as per the instructions he'd given to Spencer. Despite all this, he could distinctly hear the laughing and singing that was coming from Brendon's impromptu party. 

Spencer's soft snoring drifted down to him from the bunk above, and he could see Shane and Zack sleeping across the aisle. It seemed he was the only one being kept up, but he still found it rude that they would be so loud when some people needed to be up bright and early. This wasn't any old show; the top places for the 3* level would qualify for the Olympics, and that had been Ryan's dream for as long as he could remember. 

He growled in the back of his throat, finally deciding he wouldn't put up with it for a second longer, and swung his legs out of the bunk. He quietly made his way to the front of the trailer, slipping the first pair of boots he could find on. They must have been Zack's based on the size, but it didn't seem important as he marched across the grass towards the sound, boots flopping on his feet. 

Weaving through parked cars, trailers, and tents, he was able to hear the voices before he could see the source. He was about to emerge from behind a truck when he realized it was Brendon's voice speaking, and when he heard his own name, he froze on the spot listening. 

"It's just complicated I guess." Brendon said a little more quietly.

"Duuude! Tell usss!" A fairly inebriated-sounding voice yelled. 

"I used to ride at Ryan's barn. Like six years ago. Haven't seen him since." Brendon said. There were sounds of laughing and jostling as people prompted him to continue.

"It's not like it's an interesting story." There was a moment of silence before he acquiesced. Ryan wasn't sure what made him open up, but he curiously hung off every word coming out of the man's mouth. "Look. I... always had a crush on Ryan. Like from the first moment I met him when we were 12, he was everything to me..." The silence that had taken over since he started speaking was somehow heavier than it had been before, as if everyone was holding their breaths. "I, of course, never told him this. What were the chances he was gay too? He'd never hinted at it in any way, and trust me when I say I was trying really hard to see even the slightest hint at it." 

Ryan was in shock. Not in a, oh wow I didn't know that, but now I do, kind of way. In the full blown, catatonic, could knock me over with a feather, kind of way. He had no clue that Brendon ever felt like that. Ryan had been too wrapped up with being a self-conscious, insecure teen to pick up on that at all.

"Anyway, cut forward a few years. I've been silently pining. He's been being a good friend to me, but, he's Ryan, you know?" There was a murmured chorus of agreement from the people listening, and while Ryan had no idea what that meant, he knew he felt offended by it. "One day, I decided obsessing about him was getting a little pathetic, so I vowed to move on. Until that point, riding had been a hobby for me. It allowed me to spend time with Ryan, and I enjoyed it, but I'd never seen it as the thing I was going to spend the rest of my life doing. 

"I threw myself into it wholly. I thought about nothing else, and eventually I started getting better. That really killed my friendship with Ryan. He hated being shown up, and now that I was actual competition for him... Well, I ended up switching barns, because we couldn't stop fighting. And I haven't really seen him since." His voice trailed off.

"Yeah, that sounds just like Ross." The drunken voice returned. "Has to be the bloody best at everything." 

"Gabe, that's not fair..." Brendon began, but another voice cut him off.

"No Bren, he's right. I've never talked to Ryan, but if your friendship blew up like that because he couldn't handle you being a good rider, then fuck that guy."

Ryan couldn't stand listening to another moment of the conversation. He stumbled backwards blindly, getting out of earshot before breaking into as fast of a run as he could manage with the oversized boots on. The flopping sounds of his feet on the ground would have been comical if his mind hadn't been overwhelmed with what he'd just heard. 

He wanted to wake Spencer and demand to be told if he'd known about Brendon's crush. He got to the door of the trailer and stopped, his hand resting on the handle. He trusted Spencer, and Spencer had known how Ryan felt back then during their fights. There was no way he would have kept a secret like that from Ryan. He dropped his hand, deciding it was unfair to wake him when he needed rest for tomorrow. There was no way Ryan could go to sleep anytime soon, so he turned and wandered in the direction of the stables. He needed someone to talk to, as his thoughts were coming too quickly and too jumbled to be made sense of. 

He entered the dark barn and made his way to Betty's stall, sliding the door open and going in. She was curled up in the corner, making soft huffing noises in her sleep. Ryan squated in front of her, running his hand along her neck and taking some deep breaths to calm himself. He eventually sat down against her, his head resting on her back as he whispered the words that wouldn't stop attacking him. "How is his side of the story so different to what I thought had happened? He says he liked me? He thinks we started fighting because he got better at riding?" 

He didn't know when he'd started crying, but suddenly there were drops falling steadily onto Betty's coat as his voice broke. Betty nuzzled Ryan's side with her nose, having woken up from the noise he was making. He gasped a ragged breath and softly stroked down the center of her face. "I'm okay." He said mostly to himself. "You can't change the past." He scratched behind her ear as she sleepily closed her eyes again. 

"I'm being stupid." He sighed, roughly wiping the remaining tears from his face with the back of his hand. "Tomorrow we get one step closer to our dreams." He pressed his face into her tear-damp coat, muffling his words that were really only meant for him anyway. "Nothing else matters." He stated with a complete lack of conviction.

He left Betty to sleep in her stall and snuck back into his bunk in the trailer. The party had ended since he'd left, and the hush left behind felt oppressive as he laid in the darkness feeling empty. His head had a sharp pain from crying, and he was struggling to picture anything other than Brendon's face when he closed his eyes. He saw him as he was now: older, confident, smiling. He saw him as he'd been when they first met: a young kid, timid, smiling. And he saw him as he'd been when they parted ways: defiant, hurt, and not smiling. 

He couldn't help feeling responsible for taking his smile away.


	4. Half-Pass Left

Ryan sat at the edge of the ring with Betty shifting excitedly beneath him as they watched the test before him be ridden. He gave her shoulder a pat, being careful not to disrupt the braids that were meticulously holding her mane in place. Shane had pulled the short straw and had to get up before the sun to bath Betty and get her all ready, while Zack got to sleep in a little later and get Bay ready for Spencer. It probably would have been more fair for them to take turns with who had to deal with which horse, but the guys insisted on playing high stakes Rock Paper Scissors instead. Ryan didn't really care who ended up getting Betty ready, so long as it was done perfectly by someone other than him. 

His start time had been 8am, and he was glad to get the test over with as soon as possible. Spencer didn't have to be in the ring until noon, since he'd opted to show at the 1* level, and they were scheduled to go last. 

He was only half paying attention to the woman in the ring. She'd already gone off course once, earning a penalty, and her horse definitely wasn't special enough to make up for those lost points. She'd likely be near the bottom of the pack after this phase, so definitely not competition. The remainder of his brain power was trying to subtly lay eyes on Brendon. He'd taken note of Brendon's start time, and he should have been warming up by then. 

Ryan anxiously drummed his fingers on the saddle, not noticing the person trying to get his attention.

"Excuse me." The voice squeaked again. "You're on deck."

Ryan bit back the sarcastic reply that wanted to come out, and instead forced a smile. "Thank you." They proceeded to check his tack, making sure it was all within the rules for what he was allowed to use. 

A chestnut horse caught his attention entering the warm up ring, but when he turned to look, it still wasn't Brendon's horse. Ryan groaned, trying to replace the worry that was taking over his mind with the complicated test he had to ride. He'd been studying it for the past week, and he knew it front and back, but his mind was refusing to focus. Wherever that zone was that athletes tended to slip into, when everything was done on autopilot through muscle memory, he couldn't find it for the life of him. 

The woman exited the ring looking defeated, and Ryan was gestured at to move into position. His head still wasn't in the game, but Betty tensed beneath him, and that managed to get him a little more focused. At least one of them felt ready to go. 

He heard the announcer come over the PA, his voice tinny but understandable. "The next rider is number 42, Bryan Cross on Beethoven." Ryan shot a glare at the announcer. Adam Siska always messed up everyone's names, and it was a wonder he kept his job. He must have done it on purpose, because Ryan had talked to the guy at length before and the guy demanded he be called Sisky. While he was annoying and inquisitive, he didn't seem stupid. 

Ryan and Betty entered the ring, halting to salute the judges in the proper spot. Betty felt like she was wound tight with unreleased energy, and Ryan tried to stay as relaxed as possible to avoid having her explode. 

He managed to perform the first few movements well enough. He hadn't messed up, and Betty was managing to follow directions and wasn't fighting him at all. As Ryan's attention once again flicked to the warm up ring, he noticed Brandy being held by Jon, but Brendon wasn't on her. 

Ryan went through the next movement since it required all of his attention, but when he got to one of the walk portions, he scanned the crowd. He found Brendon leaning against the outside of the judge's box, barely visible in the shade. He gave Ryan a thumbs up and grinned when he saw Ryan looking at him. 

Ryan felt the residual nerves drain out of him and a smile finally took over his face. He sank a little deeper into the saddle and finally slipped into the zone. 

As he got to the end of the test, once again halting and saluting the judges, he knew he'd killed that test. When he glanced to where Brendon had been, the spot was now empty, and the next rider's name was being announced. 

Ryan rode to where Shane was standing and slid to the ground. Shane offered him a props, and the two bumped fists with stupid grins on their faces before Shane left to take Betty back to the barn. "Give her some extra treats for that!" Ryan called after him. 

The shady spot next to the judge's booth really was the best place to watch from, and as the rider ahead of Brendon was wrapping up their test, Ryan noticed he could hear some of the judge's comments as they dictated the to the scribe. "Seven. Good uphill canter." Ryan's eyes widened as he realized Brendon had most likely heard his judging, and would know what score Ryan had gotten. He couldn't wait to attack Brendon for that information.

The current test finished, earning a five for their halt not being square. Ryan shook his head at the lack of discipline in these other tests. 

The PA crackled back to life as Sisky's voice came on to announce Brendon. "Up next, number 46, Brandon Uraguay on Strike Up the Brandy." Ryan was torn between watching Brendon's test, and going to find Sisky to strangle him to death for being so illiterate. He decided to watch the ride, but if he happened upon Sisky and no one was around to witness their encounter, there was a good chance he was going to give him a swift kick in the shin. 

Brendon entered down centerline and had Brandy stop in a perfectly square halt as he saluted the judges. His smile was huge and genuine, and Ryan found it more than a little contagious. 

The judge seemed to adore him as he gave very positive comments and high scores. Ryan found himself getting a little annoyed. It wasn't that Brendon's test wasn't good; it truly was, but it wasn't as great as the judge was thinking, in his own opinion. He hoped the guy was just an easy marker, but he'd noted the expression on the judge's face during his own test, and it definitely didn't look like he was raving excitedly like he was for Brendon. 

The only time Brendon's test went a little awry was during one of the transitions to canter. Brandy had started looking a little annoyed, her tail swishing and her ears pinned tightly to her head. Ryan felt himself tensing in anticipation, and sure enough, when Brendon moved his hips to signal the change, one of Brandy's hind legs shot out sideways in defiance. Brendon managed to control the outburst, and the test continued without incident. If anything, Brendon's smile grew after that. 

The judge added a comment about Brandy being enthusiastic at the end, which Ryan thought was a very generous term to choose. Brendon exited the ring as Ryan weaved his way though the crowd, using his elbows to get people out of his way. He fell into step beside Brandy as they walked back to the barn. Brendon grinned when he noticed.

"Hey, Ry."

"Hey." Ryan tried to be polite, and not ask about his own test immediately. It was a struggle. "Your test went really well. The judge seemed to adore you." 

Brendon blushed, and at first Ryan thought it was from his compliment. "Oh, thanks. Yeah, Dallon's been really supportive of Brandy's progress." Ryan had to force his feet to keep walking as that sunk in. He tried to read as much into those words as he could, but Brendon continued talking. "Man, that test felt amazing. She killed it." His voice was tinged with pride as he leaned down and wrapped his arms around her neck, laying there as they walked. 

"So, uh, did you happen to overhear any of my scoring?" Ryan asked tentatively. He thought Brendon's face hardened a little, but it was tough to tell.

"Yeah, it was really good. Lots of eights and nines. You'll be at the top of the pack for sure." Ryan fought back the smile that wanted to break out. 

"I hope so. You missed the first bit, which admittedly was not great." He hoped he'd managed to impress enough in the latter half to make up for it. The idea of having to rely on his competitors to knock down rails or have refusals in the next phases was terrifying. He wanted to be so far ahead after this phase that even if he wasn't perfect, no one would be able to catch him. Maybe that was asking a little much, but it didn't stop him from hoping.

"You're always great." Brendon said so quietly that Ryan was sure he must have misheard him. 

They reached the barn where Jon met them, taking the tack off of Brandy as Brendon took her for a bath. Ryan hesitated awkwardly near him, not sure what to say, if anything. 

Brendon tried to fill a bucket with water, but the force of the hose knocked it over. Ryan seized the opportunity, grabbing the soap and the bucket to help. He was lathering the sponge to get the suds onto Brandy when a cold stream of water hit him in the side of the head. He was still wearing his good show clothes, but the annoyance that had flared up died instantly when he saw the pure joy that was on Brendon's face.

Brendon was giggling like a kid that had snuck an extra piece of cake, and Ryan found it impossible to be mad. He grabbed the soaked sponge and hurled it at Brendon's torso, nailing him in the back as Brendon twisted to get away. 

Brandy stood, unbothered, in the middle of their war, as other horse owners looked on with judgement. As Ryan managed to get a handful of bubble smashed into Brendon's face, he had the fleeting thought that maybe it wasn't too late to fix things between them, and that spark of hope was all it took to convince him to give it a try.


	5. Serpentine

Ryan was sitting on the bleachers, leaning forward so his head was rested on his hands, and his elbows were on his knees. Brendon kept trying to convince him to do the wave, so his pose had been assumed in protest of Brendon's antics. They had both changed into jeans and tshirts, and their hair was still damp from the impromptu water fight earlier. 

Sisky's voice came over the intercom as the current rider exited the ring, and everyone clapped politely for them. "Up next is Spencer Smith on Baymax." 

Ryan made a noise of disbelief. "Sure, Sisky manages to get his name right." Ryan sat back, crossing his arms over his chest in annoyance.

Brendon smirked sideways at him. "Sisky hero-worships Spencer. Don't you remember that time Spencer complimented his horse and he looked like he was going to pass out from happiness?"

Ryan snorted and shook his head. "No, I don't remember that." Brendon's smile faltered, but his attention was stolen by Spencer's test starting. 

Brendon shouted words of encouragement just as the crowd fell silent to watch the test, and judging by Spencer's sudden grin, his voice carried pretty far. Ryan sunk deeper into his seat as everyone turned to glare at them. Brendon seemed deeply amused by this and winked at the grumpy old lady in front of them. She huffed indignantly and turned back around. Ryan found himself trying not to laugh. 

Spencer's test went smoothly. Bay was a reliable and consistent horse, and he'd had her for quite a few years, so they were comfortable together. Ryan often wondered why he didn't feel an urge to try something more bold, or even show at a higher level. Both Spencer and Bay were capable of doing it, but Spencer always said he liked the one star level, and that the sponsorships he got were enough to get by. Ryan could never comprehend that lack of drive to be the absolute best, but Spencer was Spencer, and he loved him for who he was.

As Spencer left the ring, even Brendon's cheers were drowned out by Jon's voice. Ryan watched with intrigue as Spencer vaulted off of Bay with more flare than he usually had, and wrapped Jon in a huge hug. Well, they certainly seemed to be getting along. 

"Wow." Brendon muttered beside him, also having been watching the pair. Ryan couldn't help but nod in agreement. "That's very un-Jon-like behaviour." Ryan arched an eyebrow at him. Brendon seemed to search for the right words to explain. "Jon's the most chill guy you'll ever meet. I don't think I've ever heard him cheer for me, and he's been to all of my shows since we met." Brendon didn't seem bitter about this; he was more amused by the different side of Jon that Spencer seemed to evoke. 

"Spencer always could break through people's shells in record time." Ryan commented as they watched the two walk off laughing and smiling at each other. 

"Yeah, even the really stubborn ones." Brendon said, a slight edge to his voice. Before Ryan could think too much into it, he continued with a much lighter tone. "I'll have to have him teach me how he does it." Brendon laughed lightly and swayed so his shoulder bumped Ryan's. The next horse was entering the ring, and Brendon looked at it appraisingly. "Good conformation on that one." 

Ryan stared at him with a bemused smile, totally unsure of what was going on in Brendon's head. Every time he thought he had a read on the guy, his demeanour changed, and he was left trying to play catch up. 

"So, what do you want to do tonight?" Brendon asked, as if it was the most normal question in the world. The horse that was in the ring seemed to spook, rearing up onto its hind legs and dumping the rider on her ass. Brendon and Ryan flinched, knowing what that felt like.

"Umm, I was going to walk the course for tomorrow. At least-"

"Three times." Brendon cut it before he could finish the sentence. "Yeah, I remember your obsessive habits." He smirked and looked at Ryan sidelong, his eyelashes mostly covering his eyes. Ryan felt his stomach do an uncomfortable flip at the sight.

Ryan had to restrain himself from grinning stupidly at him and forced his mouth into a pout. "Three's the perfect number!" He tried to defend, but Brendon raised his hands in surrender.

"Hey, I didn't disagree! I always walk three times now." Ryan raised his eyebrows in shock, and Brendon continued in a much lower tone, practically muttering by the end, "Ever since that time I went off course and got eliminated..." His voice trailed off as Ryan looked gloatingly at him.

"And you always said it was a waste of time." 

"Yeah, yeah. Rub it in." Brendon seemed to take a deep breath. "If you'd want to walk together..." He sounded nervous for the first time since they'd started talking. 

A little wave of nerves washed over Ryan, but he did want to convince Brendon that they could be close again, and that he'd never meant to hurt him. "I would love the company." They smiled at each other. 

In between tests they quietly left the crowd, walking away from the show area. Ryan pulled the map out of his pocket, and Brendon gave him a sideways look that seemed to not be surprised that he'd brought it with him. They wandered out towards the cross country course, stopping near the start box. Ryan studied the first few jumps on the map, looking back and forth between the drawings on the page and the real life obstacles. He didn't realize Brendon had been staring at him instead of the map until he looked up, thoughts of whatever he had been about to say disappearing as he blushed. 

Brendon looked startled at having been caught, and coughed into his hand, his eyes darting away. He hooked a thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the start box. "Shall we?" 

Ryan slowly nodded, following as Brendon walked into the start box and stood there. Ryan went to take a step forward to start the course, but Brendon's arm shot out in front of him, his chest hitting it and stopping him. He looked at Brendon curiously as the arm was quickly retracted. "Umm, for old time's sake?" Brendon said. 

It took Ryan a moment of pure confusion before he realized what Brendon was referring to. A small smile crept onto his face at the memory, and he nodded as they started counting down in unison.

"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six..." They bent their knees, leaning forward as Ryan hastily shoved the map into his pocket. "Five, four, three, two, one!" They both launched forward, almost losing their balance as their boots slipped on the damp grass. Laughing and shoving each other, they raced for the first fence.


	6. Brush Fence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry it's been so ridiculously long since the last chapter. I decided to start drawing again and got a little carried away. I swear I will never leave a fic unfinished, because I absolutely hate when people do that. Anyway, my current plan is to finish this story by the end of the month so I can spend all of November working on a new one. So, updates should be more frequent. The format of the new one is going to make it so I have to write all of it before it can be posted, but I'm super excited to attempt to make it work!   
Also, if anyone wants to be friends, or say hi, or just stalk me, my insta is @shitpostingatthedisco  
Thanks for reading. I love you.  
-Jess

Ryan pressed his back against the jump and took measured strides forward, counting his paces until he reached the next obstacle. He did the calculations without having to think. "It's going to be a solid five strides, especially coming down that hill." He said aloud. Even if Brendon hadn't been with him, he probably would have said it anyway. He found it stuck in his head better if he said it, since he learned best by listening. 

"It's going to be closer to six for me." Brendon commented, and Ryan looked at him questioningly. He knew Brendon's horse was a little shorter than his, and her stride was definitely shorter than Betty's, but it wasn't enough to explain why he would say that. "She doesn't brush." Brendon gestured at the second jump out of the line, which had a good 30-60 cm of hedge on top. 

Ryan snorted. "Actually, that doesn't surprise me. You're going to have fun with this one then." He stood back and reassessed the jump, imagining his horse clearing the whole thing rather than letting their legs go through the brush like they were supposed to. It was much more imposing that way, and Brendon's horse would have to leave closer to the base of the jump to be able to make it.

Brendon grinned in agreement. "Brandy is nothing if not fun." 

Brendon had followed Ryan's lead through the first ten jumps or so, wandering at his side as he inspected the footing, the striding, and anything else that could have an impact on his ride. Brendon threw in a comment every now and then, but for the most part he was just tagging along and listening to Ryan's advice, and it was starting to get on Ryan's nerves. He didn't want to just give away valuable information that could be used to beat him. He had to remind himself that Brendon was the competition. 

Around the halfway point of the cross country course, Ryan stopped talking. He went through the various aspects of the course in his head, and ignored Brendon's existence. His footsteps felt especially loud as the silence stretched between them, Ryan refusing to be the first to break it. He wanted to be able to forget that he was even with anyone, and focus wholly on the course, but Brendon's presence was impossible to not be aware of. Every time he ran his hand through his hair or jumped over a puddle, Ryan was paying attention.

After what felt like hours of silence, but was probably more like two minutes, they heard the whirring sound of a golf cart coming up behind them. The riders on board bickered over which direction to go, trying to grab the map from each other and zooming past the spot where the two guys were walking. They watched it drive by, nodding politely when the driver raised a hand in greeting. 

"Ugh." Brendon scoffed once they were out of earshot. 

Ryan nodded emphatically. "Seriously!" They shared a small smile.

"I mean, golf carts are fun and all..." Brendon started hesitantly.

"Yes, for golfing." 

Brendon laughed. "I find it hard to believe you've ever golfed."

Ryan pressed his lips together and looked away. "That's beside the point." Brendon chuckled softly. "It totally defeats the purpose of walking the course if you're on one of those things. You can't pace out the distance between jumps. You can't get a feel for the footing, or accurately decide which studs you're going to need. It's totally ridiculous and they only do it out of laziness, or maybe some sense of entitlement that makes them think they're too good to walk." 

They had continued walking as Ryan went on his rant, gesturing wildly as he got himself worked up about the topic. Brendon nodded in agreement. "You're not wrong. There's a reason only the rich brats tend to-" He gasped and grabbed Ryan who was about to fall into a ditch. He'd been staring at Brendon as they spoke, and hadn't even noticed they'd reached the next obstacle which was a wide ditch in front of a fence. He'd had one foot stuck out over the opening when Brendon wrapped an arm around his middle and hauled him backwards just in the nick of time. 

They stumbled backwards, Ryan falling on top of Brendon and letting out a dissatisfied grunt. "Oww." Brendon complained. When Ryan twisted to look at him, he was smiling, and his eyes showed restrained laughter. "I'll never figure out how you're so graceful on a horse yet like this on your own two feet.

Ryan gave Brendon's shoulder a shove and climbed back to standing. He reached out a hand as an offer to help him up. Brendon grabbed it, and used the momentum to spring up, landing right in front of Ryan and not immediately letting go of his hand. "Thanks." Brendon said, his voice suddenly quieter than it had been. 

Ryan laughed and squeezed his hand. "I should be thanking you. If I'd fallen in there and twisted an ankle..." His voice trailed off as a look of horror took over his face. His gaze drifted away as he realized how close he'd been to ruining all of his hard work, and it took Brendon placing his other hand on Ryan's cheek and guiding it back so he could catch his eye again, for him to check back into reality. "Sorry." He blushed at the intimate contact, and Brendon's words that he'd overheard from the previous night drifted back to him. He opened his mouth to say something, maybe admit what he'd eavesdropped on, but no words came out. 

Brendon seemed to realize what he was doing and snatched his hand back like he'd been burned, taking a quick step back. "I just realized I left the hose running at our campsite." Ryan felt his stomach drop. Brendon looked mildly terrified as he pointed back in the direction they'd come from, his eyes looking anywhere but at Ryan's face. "I'll see you later? At the party?"

He wanted to call him out on the flimsy excuse, but Ryan's heart was still beating quickly from the close proximity they'd shared, and he wasn't sure if he was disappointed or relieved that Brendon was trying to run away from him. He nodded jerkily and watched as Brendon turned and quickly climbed the hill they'd just come down. Ryan didn't have it in him to point out that it would have been faster to keep heading towards the end, since they were only a few jumps from the finish line.

Ryan closed his eyes and counted to ten, noting the slight breeze on his skin and the sounds of the trees rustling around him, before resuming his walk of the course. 

\------------

It was a little past five o'clock by the time Ryan made it back to the trailer. He'd texted ahead letting them know he was almost done, and when he got there he found Shane tending to some very burnt looking sausages on the grill. 

"Really? I thought we agreed not to let Shane cook anymore." Ryan wined, slumping down in a lawn chair next to Spencer. 

Spencer lowered the magazine he was reading to smirk at him. "I think they taste good that way." Ryan's own growl mixed with the sounds his stomach was making. "Just put some ketchup on it."

Shane stabbed a sausage with a fork and placed it onto a paper plate. Ryan watched in dismay as flakes of char broke off and were swept away by the wind. "Yeah, ketchup'll make it better." He said with as much sarcasm injected in as he could muster. Zack appeared out of the trailer and tossed him a bottle of ice water without asking if he wanted it. "Thanks." He immediately chugged half of it, fighting through the pain the brain freeze caused. 

Ryan and Spencer were served their dinners of sausages and potato chips before Zack and Shane grabbed a couple of beers for themselves and wandered off.

"Where are they going?" Ryan asked as he ripped an end off of his sausage, trying to see if the inside was at least salvageable.

"Said something about going to Brendon's tent." Spencer mumbled around the bite he was happily chewing. 

Ryan glared at him. "Did you even walk your course?" He attempted to change the subject to anything other than Brendon. 

"Yes, Mom." Spencer replied. "I did it one whole time. So did you want to go to that party after?"

Ryan bit back the groan he wanted to make. Apparently he wasn't as good at changing topics as he'd hoped. "I don't know, Spence. I told him I would, but it's just really awkward between us." 

Spencer looked at him like he was being stupid. "If he invited you, that means he wants you to be there."

"Or he's just a nice person." Ryan mumbled.

"Either way, it's not going to get any less awkward by avoiding him. Plus, I want to go." He smiled suddenly, and Ryan was surprised by how genuinely happy he looked. He couldn't deny his best friend's happiness.

"Fine. We'll go for a bit." Ryan conceded, getting up to dump the remainder of his meal in the trash. "They'd better have food though." 

Spencer grinned. "Let's get changed. You look gross and tired."

Ryan looked down at his shirt which was stuck to his torso with sweat and the mud caked onto his boots. "I am both of those things." He sighed and followed Spencer into the trailer.


	7. Trakehner

Ryan was glaring at Dallon from across the fire pit, and it had nothing to do with the way he was laughing at everything Brendon said, nor the way he was gripping his arm and leaning in close to him. He told himself he was only upset because he'd been informed that they weren't going to get their dressage results until the next morning. He found that utterly ridiculous, and while it likely wasn't Dallon's fault specifically, he was channeling all of his annoyance at that one man. 

It seemed like most of the riders in the event, their employees, and the staff at the stables had caught wind of this party, and at least seventy people were gathered in the grass surrounding Brendon's tent as loud music poured out of the speakers of a nearby truck.

There was an empty log next to Ryan where he sat staring by the fire, and Sisky plopped down onto it with a grin and a can of hard lemonade in his grasp. Ryan slowly turned to look at him, his rage that he'd been keeping in check suddenly changing focus to the new target. Sisky squinted at Ryan through his inebriation and let out a sudden squeak of fear. His eyes went wide and he tipped over backwards in his haste to get away from Ryan before he exploded. His lemonade spilled all down the front of his shirt, but he didn't seem to notice as he mumbled some incoherent excuse and scrambled to the other side of the party. 

Ryan allowed a little bit of amusement to get through his miserable mood as he shot a glance around at the people near him, looking for Spencer. He spotted him through a gap in the crowd talking to Jon, Zack, and Shane. They seemed to be laughing and getting along, and he wondered if he could just go back to the trailer since Spencer didn't seem to require his presence. 

As if on cue, Brendon sat down in the seat Sisky had vacated, having to set the stump back upright first. He must have parted from Dallon at some point when Ryan was distracted.

He smiled sheepishly at Ryan and took a sip of his drink. Unlike most people who were drinking out of cans and bottles, Brendon had a solo cup that he seemed to have mixed his own drink in, and Ryan wondered fleetingly what drink was worth the effort. Before he could start on this line of small talk, Brendon started talking very quickly, the words seeming to fall from his mouth. 

"Look, I'm really sorry about running off earlier. I said I would walk with you and then I bailed, and I didn't even get to walk the whole thing so now I'll have to just wing it and hope I can find my way." Ryan cringed at how worried Brendon sounded. He felt a little guilty for scaring him off and potentially messing up his ride.

"No, don't apologize. Please. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." Brendon blushed and looked away, hiding his face behind the rim of his cup as he took a few deep gulps. 

Ryan felt acutely aware of his own sobriety, and while he was busy forcing himself to not stare at Brendon's throat as he drank, he noticed Jon offering a joint to the guys he was standing with. Ryan hesitated for a second before telling Brendon he'd be right back and weaving himself through the crowd. 

When he stopped a few feet away from the circle, Shane had the joint between his lips and Ryan hovered awkwardly behind him. Spencer noticed him first, and shot him a warning look. Ryan pushed down the embarrassment that caused him and shuffled a little closer to Jon, trying to smile in a way that didn't make it too obvious what he wanted. 

"Oh, hey man." Jon greeted him. 

Ryan nodded a little wildly, his fingers starting to twitch with the urge to reach out and snatch the joint out of Shane's hand. "How's it going?" Ryan asked, ignoring Spencer's pointed throat clearing. Jon gave an easy smile and nodded. "Do you mind if I..." Ryan nodded in Shane's direction, and Jon shrugged his indifference. 

He was reaching for it when Spencer finally spoke up. "Dude, do you really want to do that?" 

Ryan didn't hesitate in answering, "Yes. I really do."

"But-" Spencer started, likely about to start listing all the reasons why Ryan shouldn't, but he had already taken a long drag and was letting his eyes slip shut as he exhaled. Spencer made a noise of disappointment, but didn't say anything else as he turned to walk away. 

Ryan took another pull and looked around to see Zack and Shane studying him with judgmental eyes as Jon looked confused at to what was happening. 

"Come on." Ryan tried to justify to himself as much as them. "They never drug test the riders here. It's not like I'm one of those people who give cannabis to their horses." His argument sounded weak even to his own ears, but he was so strict with himself in all aspects of his life; he should be allowed one vice.

Shane and Zack also left, speaking to each other at a low volume. Ryan glared at their backs, making a note to lecture them later about respecting your employer. 

He realized he was now alone with Jon, whose pot he was still bogarting. He took one last puff, making sure to leave some remaining as he passed it back to Jon. "Thank you. I really needed that." 

Jon nodded with understanding. Ryan wanted to question him endlessly about Brendon, but figured he should ease into it. "So, you and Spencer seem to be fast friends." He said with a soft smile on his face to make sure Jon didn't think he was mocking him.

Jon crushed the blunt under his boot and bit his lip. "He's really great." Jon said shortly, though Ryan noted the faint blush colouring his cheeks. 

Ryan nodded. He couldn't possibly agree more with what Jon had said. He caught a glimpse of Spencer through the crowd, seemingly having an intense discussion. Ryan shifted his weight, trying to see who he was talking to, but apart from some dark hair he couldn't be sure. 

"Uhh," Jon started, drawing his attention back, "look, man. I don't know all of what happened between you and Brendon, but he seems to really like having you back in his life." 

Ryan felt a wave of guilt wash over him. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like his fault. He'd been so obsessed with being the best, he hadn't realized he was ignoring the people around him. "I've really enjoyed it too." He glanced around quickly to make sure no one seemed to be paying attention to him. "Feel free to not answer this, because it's really none of my business, but has Brendon dated much in the time you've known him?"

He really didn't expect an answer to the question, but Jon laughed and seemed to have no qualms about divulging the information. "Naw. He's had a couple first dates here and there, but nothing seems to go past that." Ryan fought to keep the smile off his face. "He's definitely single, if that's what you're asking." He smirked knowingly at Ryan.

Ryan rolled his eyes. He wasn't used to people being so friendly and joking with him. Other than Spencer at least. He briefly wondered why Jon wasn't as uncomfortable around him as most people tended to be, but Jon seemed like the kind of guy that was never uncomfortable. Ryan felt himself asking the question that had been circling his brain since he'd had that moment with Brendon on the course. "I know you don't know the details, but do you think I even deserve another chance?" As soon as the words left his lips, he felt raw and exposed by the honesty of them.

Jon leveled his gaze and said with complete confidence, "Ryan, this is your first real chance." Ryan cut his eyes to the side and shrugged. He guessed that was somewhat true. "Just don't fuck it up." Ryan laughed once, short and startled. Swear words seemed weird coming from Jon's mouth.

He squared his shoulders, feeling the pleasant light-headedness of the pot kicking in. He grabbed Jon's elbow and started weaving through the crowd, having to take the long way around the fire pit where the more drunk people were now singing songs. One of them leaned too far backwards and almost lost his balance. He flung his arms around wildly, trying to keep from falling off his stump, and sending some of his beer flying in their direction in the process. Ryan managed to dodge the majority of it, but since he still had a death grip on Jon, he pulled him forward and he got soaked. Ryan silently cursed whoever had chosen to put those wobbly logs around the fire, because clearly it was a hazard.

Ryan grimaced as Jon looked down at his shirt in dismay. Seemingly out of thin air, Spencer appeared next to them, looking angry and glaring at the guy with the beer. He mumbled an apology and turned back around to the fire. Spencer took a step in the guy's direction, presumably to defend Jon's honour, but Jon held him back and shook his head. 

Spencer took a deep breath. "You can have a shower in our trailer if you want." Jon raised an eyebrow at Ryan, who silently nodded. It was in large part his fault, after all. Spencer took Jon's hand as they left the party, and the way it seemed effortless and natural had Ryan smiling.

He turned around and quickly located Brendon, not far away. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for... He wasn't sure what exactly, but this felt like a big moment. He got a little closer and realized Brendon was talking to Dallon again. The two were standing close together, and Ryan felt himself pause. As much as he wanted to interrupt, he could see the chemistry between them, and he didn't want to rob Brendon of the happiness that was evident on his face. 

Just as he went to leave the group and find somewhere to hide until Jon and Spencer were done whatever they were doing in the trailer, Brendon's gaze roamed around, seemingly searching for something until it landed on Ryan. 

Ryan hooked a thumb over his shoulder and mouthed, "I'm going to go." He told himself that Brendon didn't look disappointed as he disappeared into the darkness.


	8. Coffin

"Hey, wait up!" A voice faintly called from behind him. His heart jumped into his throat at the thought that the voice was not a hallucination and belonged to who he hoped it did. He paused his stride and turned around, a little nervous to be disappointed.

Brendon jogged up to him, clutching a cramp in his side and sucking in air. "Wow, I need to do more cardio apparently. Running is hard." He joked, managing to catch his breath and stand upright. 

Ryan studied him, not sure what to say, or why he'd chased him.

"I saw you leaving, and realized I really didn't want you to." Brendon said in way of explanation to Ryan's unasked question. 

Ryan felt a small smile creep over his face. "Really?" He asked before before he could think better of it. 

"Duh." Brendon smirked. His face was difficult to make out in the darkness. "I'd rather be hanging out with you than any of the people back there." Ryan tried to make out if he was blushing, but it was impossible to tell. The only cues he had to go by was his voice, and the quickly disappearing space between them. He wasn't sure when they'd gotten closer, but he could suddenly smell a hint of bourbon on Brendon's breath. He had a lot of bad associations with the smell of alcohol, but he realized he was glad to let Brendon make some better ones.  
"Do you want to walk around?" Brendon asked. 

"Yeah, sounds good." Ryan replied. Neither of them made to move, or stepped away at all. "I genuinely can't comprehend how I've been so stupid and blind." Ryan muttered to himself, studying the vague details of Brendon's face that he could make out, and savouring the feeling of warmth coming off of his body.

Brendon made a soft noise of confusion, which Ryan didn't reply to. Instead, he brought a hand up to Brendon's cheek, marvelling at the feeling of his stubble under the pad of his thumb. Maybe the weed was stronger than he realized. 

Brendon looked like he wasn't breathing as his gaze darted between Ryan's mouth and his eyes.   
Ryan felt his pulse hammering in his neck as their chests pressed together and he was forced to tilt his head down to properly see Brendon's face. 

Brendon's lips parted slightly, and Ryan lowered his head to kiss him. 

Brendon gripped his hips and pulled him closer. Ryan's hands had moved to the back of Brendon's head at some point without his knowledge, and he tangled his fingers in the soft hair.   
Brendon finally took a deep breath through his nose, relaxing all the tension he'd been holding onto.

When they finally broke apart, still holding each other closely, all that was said was a quiet, "Huh," as Brendon stared at Ryan in shock. A little bit of worry rose up in Ryan as he wondered if that wasn't the stupidest thing he'd ever done. Brendon looked speechless, and Ryan seized the opportunity to make a quick retreat, saying something so inconsequential that he'd already forgotten the words by the time they left his mouth. 

Brendon said nothing in response, and judging by Ryan's inability to hear any noises, he was still standing in the same place, watching Ryan walk away for the second time that night.

\---------

Ryan sat on Betty in the warm up ring, head bobbing in time to the music that was pumping out of his headphones. He had a specific song for each phase of the event, and he listened to them before riding, without fail. The dressage song was calming, but made him feel important and sit a little taller. The cross country one was heavy rock, with a pounding drum line that made him want to punch someone in the face and gave him all the confidence in the world. The show jump one was jazzy and bouncy and made him feel like he was walking on air. 

The song came to an end and immediately looped, starting again with the slow build that had his blood pumping faster. He'd always found music the best way to get into the headspace a certain ride required, and he'd perfected his song choice by the time he was twelve. 

He noticed Brendon coming down the path to the warm up ring, and they smiled at each other, both blushing slightly. Ryan took that as a good sign, and pulled his headphones out, tossing the device to Shane as he was waved over to stand in position. He'd received the judging results first thing that morning, and he was slightly disappointed to see his score had left him in second place after that phase. Of course it had to be Brendon ahead of him, but he tried to remind himself that he didn't have to win to qualify for the olympics. Winning was just for pride, but it somehow felt just as important. His score was ten penalty points higher than Brendon's, which would be a difficult gap to make up. 

He stopped Betty near the start gate, and waved over Sisky, who it appeared was the one who would count them down. "Hey Ryan, what's up?" Sisky asked, tilting his head like a curious dog. 

Ryan swallowed down the annoyance at Sisky getting his name right when no one was listening. "Look, Betty won't stand in the start box. You need to start counting us down while we're here, and I'll go straight through." Sisky looked a little afraid, and started eyeing Ryan's horse. "It's fine, she just loves cross country and gets too excited by the whole starting process." 

Sisky nodded and went back into the start box, pressing himself against the fence so he wouldn't be trampled. He looked paler than he had a moment before. He looked at Ryan, who nodded that he was ready. Sisky looked at the watch he was holding, waiting until it got to ten seconds to the minute before starting to count down. The second he started, Betty tensed beneath him. Ryan tried to remain calm, but Betty arched her spine and hopped her front feet off the ground in excitement. Sisky had finally reached three by the time Ryan encouraged Betty forward, pulling the reins just a little to stop her from taking off. 

They snaked through the opening of the box and burst out across the start line just as Sisky said, "Go!"

Ryan felt a smile form on his face as the wind rushed past him, and all he could hear was the four beat pattern of Betty's hooves on the ground. The first fence always seemed to come up quickly, and he tugged her upright a bit as they prepared for the jump. 

He felt comfortable on the course, like he'd ridden it a million times. His watch beeped on the minute, and he figured he was on track to come in within the time window. Betty had never been too slow on a course in her life, so it was really only up to Ryan to make sure they didn't go too fast. 

His sports therapist had warned him against using the watch for pacing, since his anxiety got a little out of control when he focused too much on it. He'd listened to her advice, and subsequently come in so under time at that event that the penalty points he received had dropped him from first place to last. Needless to say, he'd fired her immediately.

They cleared the last jump, Ryan making sure his form was perfect in the air since that jump had the official photographer at it. All that remained was a short gallop to the finish line, and he held Betty back, even though every fiber of his being was wanting to let her go flat out.

They crossed the line to scattered applause, and he went over to where Zack and Shane were standing, studying the stop watch they'd used to track his time. "Just about perfect." Zack said with a straight face, as Shane gave him their ceremonial fist bump. 

He jumped down as the two employees got to work taking Betty's tack off and cooling her down with buckets of water. Ryan spotted Spencer standing a little ways off, talking in a low voice to Jon. When he approached them, he noticed they had matching unreadable expressions on their faces. "What's going on?" Ryan asked, suddenly worried.

Spencer tilted his head in the direction of the barn staff at the finish line. "Brendon's on course now, and we heard through one of their walkie talkies that he had to circle." Ryan's eyes widened. That was a twenty point penalty, and would guarantee that he was knocked out of first place. 

He caught a glimpse of motion in the corner of his eye, and turned to see Brendon clearing the last jump and heading for the finish. Once he got close enough, Ryan could see he did not look pleased. 

Ryan finally unzipped his cross country vest, finding it a little hard to breath all of a sudden. Brendon rode up to them and passed the reins to Jon as soon as his feet hit the ground. Spencer glanced between them and seemed to decide he'd be better off going with Jon to get Brandy cooled down. 

Ryan waited until they were alone to ask, "What happened?"

Brendon tilted his head back to stare at the sky and blinked a few times before responding. "It was that fence at the bottom of the hill. She was barrelling down and I was having an impossible time getting her to slow down or prepare for jump at all." He broke off speaking with a look of deep disappointment on his face. Ryan felt his stomach curl up with empathy. He was admittedly relieved that he in no way felt happy about Brendon's misfortune. 

He gripped Brendon's upper arm in reassurance. "You only dropped to fourth at most. With Brandy's hatred of touching jumps, you'll probably go double clear in show jump," Ryan said in earnest. Brendon posture slumped and he pressed his face into Ryan's chest. Ryan froze for a moment before he kicked into action, running his fingers through Brendon's hair and pressing a kiss to his temple. 

This time he didn't feel bad when he realized he was the tiniest bit happy this had happened after all.


	9. Corner

"Mr. Ryan Ross?" One of the officials addressed him. Ryan broke apart from Brendon and nodded his assent. "Can you come with me, please?" Ryan gave Brendon's hand a squeeze before he followed the woman off in the direction of the stables. The woman didn't give off an air of bearing good news, and he found his heart was suddenly pounding for a different reason.

"Can I ask what this is about?" Ryan asked, having to jog to keep up with her quick stride, despite his legs being much longer than hers. 

She answered without looking at him. "You were selected for the random drug testing. Congratulations." Her voice was monotone, and struck an intense juxtaposition to the reaction it caused in him. He felt like all the blood drained from his face and his life flashed before his eyes. He tried to keep his feet moving, but the shock hit him like a brick wall.

Almost as an out of body experience, he heard himself asking, "What exactly does that entail?" He was surprised that his voice came out calm and disinterested, even though he'd broken out into a cold sweat.

The official looked at him like he was the stupidest person she'd ever met. "Your horse pees in a cup." 

Ryan nodded slowly, the blackness that had been encroaching on his vision starting to fade. "Right. Of course." He followed her into a different stable than Betty's stall was in, and he saw Zack already there, holding Betty and looking a little smug. Ryan narrowed his eyes at Zack, but otherwise didn't acknowledge him. He took Betty's lead and walked her into a stall where the official proceeded to collect a urine sample in a cup at the end of a stick. When she said he was free to go, he almost sighed with relief. He felt like he'd narrowly avoided a heart attack.

He and Zack silently walked back to the other barn where Brendon was nervously pacing up and down the aisle. He whipped around and stalked up to Ryan when he saw them. His hands raised as if to grab onto Ryan, but instead they opened and closed on thin air before he shoved them into his pockets. "What was all that about?" He immediately questioned. 

"Drug testing," Zack interjected before Ryan got a chance to. "Close call, kid," he said with a little more condescension than Ryan was expecting. 

Zack disappeared into Betty's stall with her as Ryan glowered after them. Brendon rocked onto the balls of his feet, and the motion drew Ryan's attention back to him. "Did you, uh," Brendon started, his gaze focused steadily at a spot over Ryan's shoulder, "want to go pick a place on the course to see Spencer's ride?" 

Ryan let a little of the anger drain out of him and smiled at Brendon. "Where were you thinking?"

Brendon screwed his face up in thought before announcing, "I know the perfect place."

\----------

Brendon had lead them to a spot between fences seven and eight, and the way the course looped back around made it so they could also see the riders go over jump ten and disappear into some trees. 

One of the jumps for a lower level, which wasn't being used in this event, was in the shape of a giant bench. They were sitting on it, Ryan with his legs curled up beneath him, Brendon with an ankle resting on his knee, foot bobbing with excess energy. There was only a couple of centimeters of space between them, but Ryan felt like he was aware of every atom.

A horse and rider came into view, and Ryan recognized them from the day before in dressage. They seemed a lot more confident on the course than they had in the ring, and Ryan wondered why people who weren't well rounded decided to do eventing. Eventing really required you to be good at everything, and that was why he loved it so much. 

Brendon spoke then, expressing essentially the same thought he'd been having. "They look way happier jumping than they did in dressage." Ryan smiled sideways at him as Brendon looked down at his watch. "Spencer was supposed to start around now, right?"

Ryan leaned closer to see the time on his watch, even though he could have more easily checked his own. "Yeah, we should be just in time." His shoulder was now pressed against Brendon's from when he'd leant in, and he figured it was more comfortable to stay there than to sit upright again. 

Another horse went over jump seven, but when they approached jump eight, the horse notably started to back off and tried to run around it. The rider did a good job stopping that, but instead the horse slammed to a halt right at the base of the jump. The rider fell forward in the saddle, but managed to stay on. She circled and reapproached, succeeding in making it over the jump on the second try with a very determined look on her face. Brendon grinned like a proud parent, even though Ryan was pretty sure he didn't know the girl. 

As the rider cleared jump ten, a silence fell between them. Ryan wasn't sure why it suddenly felt like he was waiting for something to happen.

Brendon looked sideways at Ryan and hesitated a moment before speaking. "Can I ask you a question?" 

"Of course. Always," Ryan responded. He wanted to hear what Brendon was thinking more than anything, and he didn't even consider that he could ask a question Ryan wouldn't want to answer.

Brendon swallowed, considering his words before he spoke them. "Was that your first kiss?"

Ryan tried not to react, but he hadn't expected that to be the question. His mind filled with uncertainty. Was Brendon asking because he'd been a bad kisser? Had he done something wrong? Instead he somehow chose to just be honest. "Yeah, it was," he replied, not able to look at Brendon for fear of blushing more than he already was.

There was another moment of silence, and when Ryan finally chanced a glance over at him, he seemed to be fighting to keep a huge grin off his face, but when he noticed Ryan looking, he couldn't contain it anymore. His eyes shone with happiness as Ryan smiled back at him, all of their doubts dissolving. 

Brendon flinched a little bit. "Do you feel rain?" he asked, looking up at the overcast sky.

Ryan held a hand out palm facing upwards, and just as he was about to say no, he felt a drip hit his hand. "Oh, shit, yeah." He managed to say, just before a light rain started. 

Brendon let out a disbelieving laugh as he grabbed Ryan's hand and ran to the closest batch of trees. The cover was sufficient enough that they only felt the occasional drip snaking its way through the leaves over their heads. The rain got heavier, and they could barely see the riders that were still going past. Apparently it hadn't been deemed severe enough to stop. 

They saw a larger horse go by, and Ryan tried to decide if it was Spencer or not. He turned to Brendon to ask his opinion, but his mind went blank when he saw how Brendon was staring at him. "What?" he asked, suddenly self-conscious.

Brendon shook his head, seeming to snap out of the daze he was in. "Oh uh," he suddenly blushed a deep shade of red, "I was just remembering that one summer where we rode the horses through the sprinkler. Your hair was about as long as it is now." He absent-mindedly reached out and touched one of the pieces of hair that curled softly by Ryan's face. It was damp with rain, but the shiver that ran up Ryan's spine didn't seem to be caused by the weather.

"That was a good day," Ryan replied, his voice barely above a whisper. Brendon nodded, his gaze still focused on the lock of hair between his fingers.

"Hey," Brendon's hand slid down to his neck, and the warmth it gave off was felt through Ryan's whole body, "are we really doing this?" 

Ryan's brain felt foggy as he studied the flecks of colour in Brendon's eyes. "What do you mean?" 

Brendon kissed him softly, just a chaste press of his lips on Ryan's. "This. Us." 

Ryan could sense the nervousness that Brendon was trying desperately to hide. He tried to smile in a way that was reassuring. "Fuck, I sure hope so." He laughed before kissing Brendon again.


	10. Oxer

Ryan was having a hard time catching his breath as the diagram swam before his eyes. He blinked a few times, and the mess of jumps and arrows and numbers came back into focus. He'd already walked the show jump course, but his mind felt blank and uninterested. It felt like a sponge that was already so saturated, trying to absorb anything new was inconceivable. 

He closed his eyes and tried to visualize the path he would have to ride. Over the pink striped jump, rollback left to the square oxer, bending line from the green vertical to the... He forgot. "Fuck," he muttered.

A hand landed on his shoulder, causing him to jump and turn around. "Woah, hey, it's just me." Brendon held his hands up, palms facing Ryan to show he meant no harm. "Wound a little tight there, are you?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Ryan laughed despite himself.

He sighed. "I don't know what it is; my brain doesn't want to memorize the show jump course." He felt a little ridiculous standing around having this conversation while they were both in their show jackets and shiny boots. He had to admit that Brendon looked pretty great in his though. Plus riding pants were truly a good look for him.

"It's just nerves. You won't mess up," he said with so much certainty, Ryan couldn't bring himself to argue. Instead he shrugged and turned back to the map, trying to ignore how in that exact moment a whistle was being blown, and the current rider was being disqualified for going off course. He closed his eyes and tried to count his breaths, so he didn't realize he was being hugged until there was a pressure around him that wasn't caused by his anxiety. Brendon's hair tickled the side of his face as he wrapped his arms around Brendon's waist and tried to ground himself in the moment.

"Thank you." He whispered into Brendon's ear.

"Anytime." He reluctantly loosened his grip and turned back to the map. He spent a few more minutes studying it before going off to find Shane. He slipped his headphones in and mounted Betty, feeling so much more ready than he had before the reassurance from Brendon. The saddle was familiar beneath him, and he knew he could jump a course like this in his sleep. 

His warm up went well, and he felt in tune with Betty. She was jumping wonderfully, and he felt some of his confidence start to sneak in as people gathered around the warm up ring to watch him. 

After cross country, his double clean run had been enough to put him well into first place. Maybe that was why he was freaking out; losing from this point would be devastating. He was so close. He could feel the wind of the victory lap on his face. 

He heard the crowd around the show ring erupt into a roar as the rider that was in the ring finished their run. Ryan's stomach dropped as someone waved him over to indicate he was next. Zack jogged up to walk next to him, wiping the dust off of his boots and taking his helmet cover from him as they walked towards the main ring. 

The ring was one of the most visually imposing ones he'd ever been in. It was at the base of the hill that held the Bromont sign, and the bleachers towered dozens of rows up the other three sides, giving a feeling of being a gladiator about to be faced with a lion. 

Ryan rode into the ring, pausing to wait for the whistle to sound that would signal he could start his run. He wasn't sure if the crowd had fallen deathly silent, or if his ears had stopped working because his brain was too focused on his other senses. 

Presumably the whistle sounded, but he only knew to go when he saw the light on the first jump switch to green. He quickly picked up a canter and aimed them at the fence. They cleared the first two easily, and he felt like they were making good time. On the third jump, he didn't quite judge the distance correctly, and Betty shuffled in an extra stride at the base of the jump. The second it happened, he knew they were going to hit the rail. He glanced over his shoulder as they landed, watching as the poll wobbled on the cups but stayed up. 

He exhaled deeply and focused back on the jumps ahead of them. All of the others went smoothly, Betty not daring to touch a single jump after that one. They landed off the last jump in the course and he looked for the timing clock to see if they'd been fast enough. The clock showed dashes instead of numbers, and he rode over to the gate, looking for someone he knew, or someone who worked there, to tell him what his time was. 

The first person he spotted was Jon, and the look on his face instantly made him freeze in terror. Jon looked upset and sympathetic, which was a strange combination to see on Jon. Something about him being the one to look like that made Ryan understand what had happened before the words had even came out of his mouth. 

"You went off course." He read the words on Jon's lips rather than hearing them, because his ears were still refusing to hear. Or maybe more accurately, his brain was refusing to interpret the things he was hearing. 

All at once he heard the shocked whisperings of the crowd, and Jon's voice as he explained that he'd gone over the wrong fence after getting distracted by touching that rail. They'd sounded the whistle to tell him he'd been eliminated, but he hadn't heard it and kept going. 

Jon looked like he wanted to pat Ryan's leg as a comfort, but wasn't sure their relationship was enough to justify that. Instead he said something about going to find Spencer as he disappeared into the mass of people surrounding Ryan and Betty, who were awkwardly avoiding looking at them. 

He walked her back to the stable, both Zack and Shane mysteriously nowhere to be found. He rode her all the way into the barn, safety be damned. No one was around anyway, all of them out watching the last few rounds of jumping. 

The area outside of Brendon's stall was a mess. He'd left blankets and boots everywhere, dirty and haphazard. Ryan's eyes kept drifting back to it as he went through the motions of taking Betty's tack off and brushing her down on autopilot. He still felt numb and in shock, aware of what had happened, but definitely not allowing it to fully sink in yet. 

He slowly slid the door closed on Betty's stall, lingering to reach a hand through and stroke her face. "You were perfect," he said to her, meaning it. He'd tried to replay the course in his head, but it was already blank, like a dream he'd awoken from, slipping away faster the more he tried to recall it. 

He went to walk out of the barn, maybe to find a quiet place to curl up and think self-deprecating thoughts, when his foot connected with something small and metal on the ground. A hoof pick went skittering across the aisle, presumably having been left behind in the wake of destruction that was Brendon's getting ready process. 

Ryan smiled softly at the thought of Brendon, and decided he wanted to go see his run. He grabbed an oversized hat that he was pretty sure was Zack's, and pulled it low over his face. He felt like an undercover celebrity who was trying desperately to not be recognized. He kept his eyes on the ground as he followed the main path back to the show ring. Being the last day of the event, the merchants who had set up tents on either side of the walkway were getting more pushy than they had been the previous days. 

"Hey, you look like you could use an embroidered saddle pad!" One guy called to Ryan. He narrowly managed to not flip the middle finger in response.

"Have you heard about our new mane spray that detangles and keeps the hair shiny for longer than ever?" A woman tried to convince him. Ryan's patience was really wearing thin, and he weaved off the main trail to walk behind the tents. It lead him to the far side of the ring, in front of the giant hill that lined the property. He sat down on the grass and started ripping up individual blades of it into tiny pieces. 

Ryan located the scoreboard, and through a process of squinting and head-tilting, he managed to see that only Brendon and one other lady were remaining in their division. If Brendon went clean, no rails knocked down, and no time penalties, he had a chance to win this. 

The other rider went first, not hitting any jumps, but going a little too slowly and finishing fourteen seconds undertime. She dropped down a few positions in the rankings, but still looked pleased as she exited. 

Ryan's eyes located Brendon as he waited outside of the ring. He was speaking to Jon who stood on the ground next to him, and Ryan found himself rooting for Brendon to win. As Brendon entered the ring, he felt a smile form on his face. Finally, he was able to think about something other than his own disappointment.


	11. Liverpool

Ryan reclined back on the grass, stretching his legs out in front of him, and studying the way Brendon's body moved. The steadiness of his hands and legs staying exactly where they're meant to be, as his hips rolled in time with the rocking of the horse, had Ryan hypnotized. 

Brandy was certainly quick as she flew around the ring, cutting corners and over jumping everything by a decent amount. It was impossible not to see that they were a perfect match for each other. He couldn't imagine a better horse for Brendon, or any other rider on Brandy. They were simply a pair. 

Brendon finished his ride, easily coming under time and not having touched a single rail. The crowd exploded into applause, louder than they'd been for any other ride. Ryan grinned and clapped, noticing when Brendon turned to look at him. He wasn't sure how Brendon had spotted him, but he got the impression that he'd always known he was there. Ryan nodded his approval, feeling like giving him a thumbs up was just a little bit too cheesy. Brendon winked in response before leaning forward to listen to one of the people that had run up to him. 

Brendon moved to the centre of the ring, and waited while the other riders came in and lined up beside him on their horses. Sisky stepped into the ring, holding a wireless microphone that flug his voice out over the audience. He really seemed to enjoy having that kind of power. 

One by one he handed out the ribbons, starting with eighth place and working his way down the line to Brendon. Ryan thought it was funny how the people in seventh and eighth were happy to get a ribbon, but the people in third and fourth looked disappointed that they hadn't done better. "And finally," his voice rang out, "finishing in first place, Brendon Urie and Strike Up the Brandy!" He hooked the red ribbon onto Brandy's bridle, and Brendon leaned forward, picking up a canter and going for a victory lap around the ring. The others followed him, racing at a decent pace around the jumps they had just had to go over. The ribbons attached to each horse flapped majestically in the wind, and Ryan was zoned out staring at them. He felt emotionally exhausted from all that had happened in a few days.

Brendon looked almost guilty as he passed Ryan. His eyes lingered on him, and his smile waned just enough to be noticed. Ryan tried to refrain from rolling his eyes and grinned. He raised his hands up in front of him and clapped along with the crowd, trying to show him that he was proud. Brendon was allowed to be happy of his accomplishment. 

Brendon smiled bashfully before finishing his ride and exiting the ring. As he dismounted, swarms of people approached, all wanting to congratulate him and give him a pat on the back. He looked shocked but pleased as he accepted the warm welcome. Ryan couldn't help but imagine how awkward he would have been in that position. He probably would have slipped away as quickly as possible, whereas Brendon seemed to be enjoying the spotlight. 

Ryan spent a few more minutes watching him interact with people from across the ring before the jumps started being adjusted for the next level of riders and he decided to go find Spencer and wish him good luck.

He picked his way slowly back behind the booths and the crowds of people. He could hear snippets of conversation drifting over, and his name seemed to be coming up more than he would have liked. He wished he still had his phone and could have put in his headphones and ignored all of the people and their stupid opinions. 

By the time he made it to the barn and found Spencer tacking up Bay, he was in a horrible mood. He felt like there should be a visible storm cloud over his head, because the sunny weather just didn't seem to fit with the rage that was brewing inside of him. When Spencer caught sight of him, he managed to keep his face neutral enough that the average person wouldn't have noticed the flinch. Ryan however, felt like the sympathy hit him full force and should have made him stagger backwards. Seeing that shadow of an emotion on Spencer's face almost made him break down in tears right then and there. He really wasn't sure how he managed to keep it together, but instantaneously it felt real for the first time since it had happened. He really failed. This wasn't a nightmare he was having. 

Zack and Shane were sitting on tack boxes at the side of the aisle and they pointedly ignored his presence, which he was admittedly grateful for. He took a few steps closer down the aisle, and Spencer closed the distance, slinging an arm around his shoulder and giving a firm squeeze. The words that accompanied the motion were completely off topic, and Ryan wondered if it wasn't for the benefit of the other people in the stable who he noticed were glancing in their direction every few seconds. "We're sleeping over for another night, right? I'm way too beat to try to drive the six hours home after this." 

Ryan started to talk before realizing his voice was scratchy from disuse. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Yeah, that's fine. I don't have lessons to teach until Thursday, so there's no hurry." Having to think about returning to daily life as if nothing had changed suddenly seemed like a massive hurdle. He taught a few lessons a week, but only to more advanced riders, and only because he was able to charge so much money per hour. He was suddenly struck by the feeling that he wasn't good enough to teach. Who would want to take lessons from someone that couldn't even remember a show jump course?

He was snapped out of his line of thinking quite literally. Brendon was standing in front of him, snapping his fingers with a worried look on his face. He vaguely remembered nodding when Spencer left, and he must have been standing in the aisle staring into space for- how long had it been? He turned to Brendon in a panic. "Did I miss Spencer's ride?" 

Brendon shook his head. "No, we can make it if we leave now." He took Ryan's hand and lead him out of the barn. 

Ryan's head was spinning from having zoned out like that, and now, hey, Brendon was holding his hand! Wait, he was definitely forgetting something. "Congratulations on winning." He probably should have said that sooner. 

Brendon grinned. "Thank you. After cross country I'd really resigned myself to a low placing, so I kind of don't feel like it's real." 

Ryan nodded, knowing exactly how he felt. "You deserve it. Your ride was impressive, and you'll do a great job representing us at the Olympics." 

Brendon blushed and ran his thumb along Ryan's knuckles. The sensation sent shivers up his spine. "That honestly means so much coming from you." He paused, and his mouth seemed to quirk as if he was holding back a smile. "You know, since I hadn't planned on doing so well at this event, I had all my hopes set on the qualifier for the group events..." His voice trailed off, and Ryan wasn't sure what reaction he seemed to be waiting for.

"Well, you still could?" Ryan said. It came out with an upward inflection, since he was unsure why Brendon was mentioning it.

"Yeah, but so could you." Brendon stopped walking and turned to look at him. "I get that you're a solo type of person, but we could go out for the team event together."

Ryan's mind started whirling with the possibility. He'd been so set on qualifying for the Olympics in the solo category that he hadn't even considered going out for the team division. He supposed it was really only his pride making him discount going out for the team, and in that moment, his pride definitely wasn't an issue. 

His smile slowly grew to match Brendon's. He slowly nodded. "Okay, why the fuck not." Brendon happily flung his arms around Ryan's neck. His laughter tickled Ryan's ear, and Ryan felt himself laughing along as he hugged him back. 

They heard Sisky announcing Spencer's name over the PA. Correctly, Ryan noted without surprise. They took off at a run, dodging the people on the path as they went against the flow of the crowd. They arrived just as he was approaching the first fence, and Brendon lead him around the bleachers to where he'd been seated earlier. Ryan sat down with his legs stretched out, and Brendon wiggled his way onto his lap, leaning his back against Ryan's chest. 

They watched Spencer's run, cheering obnoxiously louder than anyone else in the crowd. Jon joined them, nodding in Ryan's direction as if he'd expected to find Brendon in his lap. With their powers combined, Spencer was receiving the loudest cheers of any of the riders. He went clean with only a few seconds of time penalties, but it didn't affect his ranking. He waited outside of the ring while one other rider rode the course, and then lined up to receive his third place ribbon. He grinned and patted Bay's neck as they followed the first and second place finishers around the ring on the victory lap. 

Ryan placed a soft kiss on Brendon's temple as they sat on the grass with Jon, watching Spencer's happiness, and feeling like maybe everything was going to be alright after all. 


	12. Bounce (Epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this has been a journey. Special shout out to @tobealive. You have been so sweet and encouraging, and I'm not sure I would have finished writing this without your support. Thank you so freaking much <3

"Ryan, are you just about finished?" Brendon whined from his spot on the fence. He kicked his legs back and forth and picked at the wood, peeling up little splinters of it and flicking them to the ground. He had a smear of dust on his cheek from when he'd been riding earlier and wiped away some sweat, but Ryan didn't plan on telling him that. 

"Five more minutes?" Ryan whined back, mocking Brendon's tone of voice. He turned the young horse he was on and took her over the jump in front of Brendon, turning mid-jump to stick his tongue out at him. 

"You said that half an hour ago, and you've ridden like seven horses today; how are you still functioning?" Brendon complained. When Ryan looked at him though, there was a fond smile on his face. Ryan dropped to a walk and drooped his shoulders in mock defeat. 

"Fine. I'm done. Are you happy now?" Brendon hopped down from the fence and sauntered over to where Ryan had brought the horse to a halt in the middle of the ring. They were using the largest outdoor ring on his property, even though it was only Ryan riding at the moment. 

"I am immensely happy." Brendon smiled his victory as Ryan landed heavily on the ground in front of him, wincing, and shifting his weight from foot to foot to relieve the discomfort of hitting the ground so hard. 

Brendon stepped right up to him, sliding his arms around Ryan's midsection and pulling their bodies flush. Ryan's breath caught in his throat as Brendon kissed him. He somehow still wasn't used to it, that little bit of excitement feeling like butterflies in his stomach. He grabbed the back of Brendon's head and pulled him as close as the brim on his helmet would allow. 

They were suddenly interrupted by the horse Ryan had been training nuzzling between them with her snout. They broke apart laughing, and Brendon scratched the horse's ear while Ryan glared at her. "So," Ryan started in what he hoped was a seductive way, "once we put her away, you have my undivided attention." He took the reigns over her head and they started walking back along the dirt path to his barn. Ryan undid the strap of his helmet at he walked, pulling it off to feel the breeze on his damp hair. 

Brendon nodded solemnly, as if he knew what a great responsibility it was to receive all of Ryan's attention. "That's perfect, because I kind of need your attention for a little bit." He seemed almost nervous, and Ryan stopped walking to turn and look at him.

"Yes? For what?" He wanted it to be so they could watch movies and make out, but Brendon's tone of voice definitely made it sound more serious than that. 

"Well, umm, you can totally say no, and I'll understand, but..." He shifted his eyes away before taking a deep breath and looking back at Ryan. "I was kind of hoping you'd be okay with Brandy and me moving in here? I mean, it just makes sense if we'll be training together, and I can sleep in a different room if you don't feel ready for that level of closeness..." His voice trailed off as we waited to see what Ryan would say in response. 

Ryan's mouth dropped open, but it took a few seconds for the words to actually come out. "Are you kidding? Of course you should move in. There is literally nothing I would like more than to wake up with you in my bed everyday." He blushed lightly at the honesty of his own words. Brendon looked pleased though, so he took Brendon's hand and linked their fingers together as they resumed walking to the barn. 

Brendon had a smile on his face that wouldn't fade as they took the tack off of the horse together and brushed her. Ryan had to keep pausing to go over and kiss him because his stupid smile was just too adorable. 

By the time they got back to the farm house, the sun was starting to set, and Ryan suggested they just order pizza for dinner. As they waited for it to arrive, Ryan found himself drifting to the back porch where the sunset always fell across the hay fields. It was truly his favourite time of day, standing there and watching the yellows fade to oranges, and then slowly to purples. It was only made better when Brendon came up behind him and hooked his chin over Ryan's shoulder, sliding his hands into the front pockets of Ryan's jeans. 

When Brendon spoke, his voice reverberated through Ryan's back. "The qualifier for the team event isn't too far away."

Ryan leaned back against him and nodded. He couldn't stop worrying about it. His voice dropped to a whisper, since it felt like he was admitting something. "I'm pretty nervous."

Brendon laughed once, just a quick exhale of air. "I am too, but not for the same reasons."

Ryan's brow furrowed, and he turned around so he could see Brendon's face. Brendon's hands moved to his hips as he rotated. His grip was tentative, and Ryan felt an impulse to quell whatever worries he had. "What are you nervous about?"

Brendon shrugged and looked guilty. "The competition tearing us apart again." His voice was also low, like he was sharing his deepest secret.

Ryan closed his eyes and let his forehead drop to rest against Brendon's. "Hey, I know what's important to me now. I would never let that happen." He ran the pad of his thumb along Brendon's cheekbone as he tried to communicate the truth of his words through eye contact alone. 

Brendon smiled and tilted his head to reach Ryan's mouth. Ryan breathed out in relief and guided him backwards until he reached the couch, and Ryan was able to push him to sit down and straddle his lap. He lost himself in the kiss, and Brendon's hands on him. 

They almost missed the doorbell ringing to signal the pizza's arrival.


End file.
